Fresh rica

Same Perspective, Different Mechanics

Not more than a year ago, I have such a good appetite of going out all the time – both day and night time. The appetite is so huge that it cannot be considered merely an appetite any more, but it became undeniable that this so-called symbolic appetite had turned into an undeniable sin that I was committing – a symbolic gluttony. It is true indeed that I will not have the power to deny that going out – to show myself and to be seen – had become an addiction. Allow me to clrarify the paramiters of my terminology “going-out”really is. Here, when I say going out, it does not only limits itself from the conventional way of doing so – like the Saturday-Evening-Dress-To-Kill-Let-Us-Go-In-The-City kind of going out. The scope of the parameter will include the just going out-for no reason- or just walk on high heels for nothing or the middle of the night kind of tripings.

It is true indeed that I did have such a possession of enthusiasm in life. I thought to myself: I do not have anything to be ashamed of. There is no reason to hide myself, but I have a reason to show my beauty. That this would be my devotion – to put it dramatically – in order to orient people that people like us do exist. An opportunity to make a statement that we are different and abnormal but that does not mean that we are bad people and we do not deserve to be considered others or a stigmatised minority.

So sad that I have noticed in the last few months that I have lost the enthusiasm to be the most attention catching street t-girl. I have observed that the changed had been radical since I went back from my tour in Canada. That tour had changed me a great deal indeed. It does not mean however that my perspective and courage to manifest that perspective had disappeared. The perspective had remained the same, but all the mechanics on how to reflect and manifest such ideal perspective had change. Of course I will always be prey of peoples bullying urges because I am not only different in colour but also different in my appearance in every sense of the word. Furthermore, I have crossed the border of gender, hence the use of the term transgenderism, and am not afraid to express it the best I can.

Today, it is a fine weather, I was planning to stroll on the street, window shop, talk to strangers, be bitch and mean to those ignorant people who are not strong enough to make them selves ridiculous with their primitive comments, or if a better opportunity comes flirt with sexy good looking boys, but then after doing the things I was really planning to do, I just went back to my friend’s house here in Amsterdam Oost where I am lodging while I am still here in Amsterdam. Internet had become my street now where I could be seen and writing through ladyboymirror.com had become my battlefield – the renewed and radicalized mechanics where I am safe from any harm and meditation is of more higher level.

UNIQUE CELEBRATION OF A PASSED AWAY

It is very very hot today. It is 21 degrees Celsius and the humid is so high that it feels like 30 degree Celsius. Maybe the heat is the main reason why it is very quiet in my chat room. People prefer to go out and enjoy the weather than sitting inside infront of a computer like me. I know that this has to change. I need to go out more often now. I am totally the opposite of my self two or three years ago. Before, I was always outside, day and night.

I am still in Amsterdam Oost, visiting a group of friends very dear to me. One of them is a woman whose son has just recently passed away. It had triggered sad emotion yet reflective mind because of the fact that we celebrated the diseased son’s birthday.  I have not yet lost somebody very dear to me and I could not imagine how would I feel if that happened to me. I might loose my sanity. I just hope that when the time comes that I will be confronted of such natural disaster, that God will be on my side and that he will give me strength and courage to overcome such terrible situation.

When somebody is dead, he is already physically gone and gone forever. That is the saddest part that how much we do our best to brig him or her back, we will not be able to to do so. The death of our love ones is a start that we will miss him/her for the rest of our lives. What a terrible feeling and life ahead it should be. On the other hand, I believe that despite that our love ones are no longer in our midst as he passed away, that special someone will continue to live in our hearts and memory. That would be so strong that any reminder of his loving memory will give us the strangest feeling that he still lives amongst us.

Good Morning Amsterdam

Good morning Amsterdam! That is my early greeeting today. I left Eindhoven yesterday. I needed to go away from home from time to time. As much as I love being at home, but sometimes, it is not bad to go far away and unwind. Too bad, I have no friends with the same interests and sense of fun at home with whom I can hang out with that I needed to go to Amsterdam to have fun. Even though I enjoy myself being alone, I also need other people from time to time. I am a city minded individual and I love Amsterdam. I used to live in this beautiful world city for three years and then I have decided to go back home.

As much as I am in love with the city, I was not able to adjust here and claim it as my home. No matter how boring Eindhoven is,   it became what I call my home. For some strange reason that I myself find it dificult to identify, Eindhoven has something – some magnetic power – that makes impossible for me to leave and forget. When somebody ask me why I chose Eindhoven to be my home, I just answer: Actually, I did not choose eindhoven to be my home. Eindhoven chose me.

I think there is one big advantage to me that I leave home from time to time. When I am in Amsterdam, everything is about fun. Here, I am careless and time to forget my responsibilities and obligations which I am very happy to forget from time to time. However, when party is over, I will have this urge of coming back home. Leaving home will give me an opportunity to step back and then realize all the things I have at home – security, privacy, sense of ownership, respect, stability, love, faith, and wealth. These are blessings that that I have got all out of goodness of one person who accepted me and welcomed me to be one of his household. These blessings I often forget. As I step back and away from home, I will  be reminded that I have a lot to loose. That my live have not been wothless after all. For this sense of home and belongingness, I will always be thankful.

 

WHEN TRIALS COME

Train up a child in a way he should go and when he is old he will not depart from it. Proverbs 22:6

When I was still a very young child, my mother was always quoting the above written Bible verse. My relationship with her is a traditional mother and child relationship. There is a hirarchy that separates me from her. There are also manners on who I should do things with her and there are ways of speaking that I have to pronounce as I communicate with my mother. The hirarchy however, did not became a hurdle in expressing our love and emotions with each other. My mother is a very very brave woman willing to sacrifice everything to fight for her love ones particularly her children. The faith of my mother is hard and firm that nobody or nothing can move it.

She is a disciplinarian. Quoting the Proverbs 22:6 every time I have to confront my transgressions, made the verse engraved in my heart and mind. I can still remember, she also said that, time will come, I will be very thankful to her for trying to correct my path. At that moment, I was always angry every time my mother discepline me. I thought that parents have no sense of fun. They were just trying to make things worse and more difficult for us. The time  that I have to thank my mother has come. I am very grateful indeed for the way my mother had trained me. It is true indeed, that I will not depart from the life principles that she had thought me. Time will come that you will be tested. People can resist temptation easily, if the life principle is firmly engraved in their hearts. No matter what happened, no matter what the situation is and whom you are dealing with, a person will decide and will choose the options according to the Life Principle that he have learned.

If a person cannot be trusted with one Euros and stole it at the time you are not watching, then how can you trust that person a million? Or even worse, how can you entrust your life to that person? One will walk with joy, fulfillment, pride and satisfaction every time he found himself in situation where his principles are tested and passed it. Every time this happens, he gains more self-consciousness. He become more certain of who he is. Then, his self-disposition is clear, firm, and unmovable.

We will be tested not through our strength, but through our weaknesses. Every person is unique and so our strengths and weaknesses. Some people are very weak when money is involved, for some the opposite gender/sexual orientation, for some sex etc. I am a very sexual person. I am not afraid to admit – because there is no reason to be afraid of – to admit the fact that I love having sex with men. Sex is not bad, it is a beautiful thing designed for us not only to duplicate but a very part of our human instinct. Sex is one of the most natural thing on earth. However, sex can also ruin a lot of things. It can destroy relationships, health, and it can even blind your judgement. There are times that I have that I will be in a situation, that if I have fornicated with a person involved, there are more damages than good. In times like that, resisting is mandatory. Just like what they say, “do not shit on places where you eat”.